Thursday, January 11, 2007

Note To Anonymous . . .

There are a lot of decent men out there. About as many as there are decent women. My guy's spirit shone through all the trappings of his life. He didn't care about certain unessential things. Why should I? When you really think about what you do with the person you live with, the real ups and downs of life, the daily struggle each of us goes through to make our lives better and deal with mundane crap; the person you want at your side is someone who agrees with you on the big stuff, thinks you are cool and smart, and is compassionate about your faults. Of course you want to be attracted to him, and of course you want to be able to have fun with him.

If you are like many women, you will be willing to give a lot in your relationship. You need a guy who will respect your generosity, and understand it comes from love and strength -- that wonderful, enduring, quietly powerful, female [yin] strength -- and be willing to give of himself, in return.

Now, down to practical matters: You must do what you love, fill your life with your passions and enthusiasms, nurture your relationships with those close to you, and very importantly: take good care of yourself; your health, your emotional life [especially setting healthy boundaries]. This makes you a full person, happy to be with yourself, joyous and vital.

Maybe write in a journal about who you are and what you really want. Ask everyone you know whom you trust if they know any good guys. My guy wrote a long and very specific personal ad. Something of his spirit came through. So obviously I believe in ads. But they only work if you know yourself AND know what you want.

And Good Luck. You sound like a lovely, gentle, thoughtful soul. I wish you the best.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your kind words. They are more helpful than you realize.

I am in the midst of transition. In July, I left an almost 6 year-long live-in relationship. And then, shortly after that, I reconnected with a man I felt was/is very similar to me and who had asked me out when I first met him a couple years ago (which I declined because of my relationship). He was living in another state at the time, but we hung out a few times. This fall, he was preparing to move to abroad for work. Though he said he was interested, he is trying to establish himself in a cutthroat field in a new country, and he said he just couldn't afford to be distracted by falling for someone. Although it hurt, part of me understands.

Over the holidays, we exchanged messages and he's working hard but has not had much success yet and is feeling very down. Although we talked a great deal, he declined to meet during the few-hour layover he had in my city.

So he is there and I am here.

I know I need to move on. I am making an active effort to cultivate my own life: doing more writing (my field & hobby), volunteer work, going out with friends and seeing a therapist.

There are some men I could go out with, but I am honestly not interested. It feels like work. My heart just isn't in it.

What kills me is that after my very painful 6 year relationship ended, I vowed to find someone who was kind, who liked me, and that's what made me rethink the guy who just moved abroad. He fit the bill and shares my values and tastes. So as I felt I was finally wising up, apparently I was too late. He said we are a victims of bad timing.

I'm struggling to have faith in the fact that everything happens in its own time and if somethings meant to be, it will be.

Any advice?