Friday, January 12, 2007

It isn't about you

My note to anonymous brought a further clarification of her situation. It's a place more of us have been than we care to remember.

Most people want connection. We want to be seen and appreciated and, at best, loved and even cherished for ourselves. But getting to that person, finding the right connection can seem like an exercise in futility. Yet it is one of the most primary aspects of being human. We forge long-term relationships with people who share our lives, dreams, homes; people we lie next to in that most intimate and vulnerable of states -- sleep. Finding the right, 'safe' person to be with can take a long time and lead us down dead-end roads, cul-de-sacs, and cause us to question ourselves endlessly as we try to figure out what we want and does he/she have it.

I have studied people in relationships for years. When I understood the principles of yin and yang and started applying them to real life situations, I was amazed, humbled by the simple, elegant and beautiful dance of energy between people. So for "A" I have some simple advice: Go where the energy is.

Yin is a receptive and nurturing energy. A woman, delicate yin creature that she is [and even the toughest, ball-busting, aggressive/assertive woman has a place of female yin] will bend over backwards [luckily women are, generally speaking, more flexible than men] to accommodate the needs of the people she cares about. This is a wonderful, life-affirming quality. But, yin must be protected by yang energy. This is a rule of the Tao; it is part of the dynamic of the flow of yin and yang. And it means that within each of us, from the most yin female to the most yang male, and everything in between, our yang must protect our yin.

Now, without going on and on [and believe me, I could . . . ] boundaries are yang; and one important way a woman uses her yang is to set boundaries - emotional ones - to protect herself from being hurt. A yang boundary which will stop her from over-accommodating and over-rationalizing behavior that is hurting her.

When a person makes his goals the most important thing he has to accomplish, and a relationship is not part of those goals; when his focus is so intent he cannot allow even the smallest softness for a few hours, he is not open to the possibility of connection. But a gigantic mistake people make at this juncture is "If I was . . . he would."

Nope. Nope. Nope. Because it isn't about you. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him: His goals, his life, what he feels he has to do. And this is SO HARD for a lot of women to understand. Because, generally speaking, we are more balanced. And we think, well, they ARE human, how different can they be?

Here's how different: Yang is a Samurai-class boundary-setting machine. In a guy who has a lot of yang, it can be damned near impenetrable. Waterproof, fireproof, tears-proof, shut off from emotions, narrowly focused -- a guy who is in that state is not open to the other parts of life that are outside his quest.

You, A, are a smart and perceptive woman. You mean to have a relationship. And so you will. Be patient, give yourself time. You learned more about yourself and you sure learned more about what you want. You did not 'blow' anything. But don't wait around. There is not only one true person for each of us; the odds are really a whole lot better.


Anonymous said...

Again, thank you for your perceptive comments.

Interestingly, over the last couple weeks, I have begun to get in touch with a different energy, which has surprised me with its fortitude. After months of being sad, a new voice has emerged that is indignant at how much time I have spent pursuing someone who is not available, indignant at all the energy I have poured out that has not been returned. This energy is all about boundaries; I guess that is my own yang energy.

Thank you again for your kind wisdom. It is helpful to think in terms of how you have explained it.

Take care.


Anonymous said...

I'm going to ask your advice on one more aspect of this. I don't want to make your blog all about me, so if you would prefer, I would be happy to pass on my email address so you could answer me privately. But, I have no problem with you posting the answer on your blog. Thank you for humoring me; I just think that you are remarkably perceptive and so I would appreciate your advice on this.

I am torn between a desire to contact the man abroad to offer friendship, and not. He certainly has my info and could contact me if he wanted to. And I know most people would say to go that route. However, he has recently be diagnosed with depression (and put on medication), and as it is something I've dealt with in the past and know how isolating it is, part of me wants to reach out to him and offer friendship, if nothing else.

On the other hand, as mentioned, he has all my information and could certainly contact me. And then there is the issue that men like to do the pursuing (as everyone tells me). Friends tell me that staying so available to him disconnects that urge.

Thank you again.

A. said...

It's so true, what you say about yang being a protective energy. Growing up, I had to become my own protector, and as I result my yin became hidden and latent. Recently I began dating someone who is very strongly and consciously yang, and I find myself unfolding back into yin. It's wonderful to find that balance. Thanks for posting this!

Anonymous said...

Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
Help, please. All recommend this program to effectively advertise on the Internet, this is the best program!