I want to share a little story I wrote one day after hearing yet another woman comment that a guy she liked wasn’t very aggressive. My analysis follows. If you read the piece about male and female energy – and yin and yang, you’ll see why aggression isn’t what we think it is – and it isn’t always obvious.
The Case for Clark Kent – So What’s Wrong with a ‘Nice’ Guy?
Jen was 31 and single – and hating it.
“There are no good men,” she complained to me one day. “There’s always something wrong with them. They’re either real bastards or too nice.”
Jen had been dating a guy whom she really liked and initially raved about. But after a few dates, she decided that he wasn’t the right one. I was surprised, because this was a woman who wanted desperately to have a boyfriend. When I asked her what happened, she said, “He’s too nice.”
Too nice? I thought. What’s wrong with being ‘nice?’ Don’t we all want nice guys?
“What exactly does that mean?” I was really curious to find out if Jen could define what too nice meant.
“Uh, well, it means he’s not, like, aggressive, you know?”
“Do you mean ‘passive?’ Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“Well, no, he’s not passive, but I think I want someone who’s more aggressive.”
By now I was really curious. I wondered where this would lead.
“Do you mean sexually aggressive? Do you want him to drag you off by the hair or fight another guy over you? You want a real bastard, someone who pushes people around? Are you sure you’re talking about aggression?”
“No – I don’t know!” Jen was flustered. And a little annoyed. “He’s just too nice!”
Jen really didn’t know, but she would nevertheless keep rejecting guys for being too nice without really realizing what that meant to her and what she really wanted. And, worse, she didn’t really understand men, however much she wanted one.
Maybe she needs a certain tension – something a healthy guy doesn’t want when he’s with his girlfriend. Maybe she feels deep down she doesn’t deserve a good man. Or maybe Jen is one of those women who likes to manipulate men, and found it exciting to have them jump through hoops – and then didn’t respect them when they did what she wanted. Even though they were only trying to please her.
Here’s what’s really going on: When a woman thinks a guy is too nice, she is really thinking that he is weak, easily pushed around. But that is hardly ever the case.
Real strength in a man has little to do with appearances. An overly aggressive man isn’t necessarily a strong man. He could be a guy who’s angry and conflicted and has a chip on his shoulder and smoldering resentment. He could be a bully or a control freak. Or perhaps he hasn’t yet learned to preserve his energy. But he isn’t more ‘male’ because he’s more aggressive.
Clark Kent is more like the average, totally male guy than Superman. And, ladies, believe me, you want Clark, not his pumped-up, full-of-himself, slick-haired alter-ego.
Unless you’re the kind of woman who likes to live a little dangerously and wants a guy with an edge who is nursing deep resentment for the world, remember: with small exception, a normal guy isn’t going to have a problem with strength and aggression – when it’s necessary.
And the problem is, women double-bind men when they think that being a nice guy somehow lessens a guy’s masculinity. Treat me nice, but not too nice. Be safe, but be dangerous. Be a man, but don’t dominate me. Dominate me, but let me have my way, but only when you won’t look like a pussy for doing so. YIKES! I can’t even follow it and I wrote it!
Here’s what most men can do just like they breathe:
Get really aggressive – even pugnacious – when they absolutely need to, and not a minute sooner. This is usually in response to one or more things, depending on the guy: A recognizable threat – to themselves or someone they feel protective towards; the necessity to win at something – a game, an argument, a task they have sworn to themselves to accomplish, in short, anything they are passionate about.
And one other little thing: This aggressive stance is not always obvious. Male focus involves blocking out everything else (compartmentalizing), focusing in on a target (anything from a work assignment to a woman they want to meet), and pursuing that goal with every ounce of energy they have. It is single-minded and intense, and you may not even know it’s happening. It’s also exhausting. So a smart guy preserves his aggressive energy until he really needs it. And trying to appear ‘manly’ to a woman he’s dating doesn’t always qualify as a ‘need to’ situation. He’s assuming she’s female; it wouldn’t occur to him she might not think he was male enough.
Most men learn that if you want to attract a nice girl, you’ve got to appear to be a nice guy. But never, ever mistake the willingness to be a nice guy and all that implies – politeness, good manners, gentleness, being a good listener, having an interest in you and your life – for weakness.
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Because men are much more yang than women – inherently, born that way, embedded in their deepest fibers – they naturally and normally operate in a male yang manner. It is a solid, sometimes quiet, not always obvious stance that says: This is what I am, this is what I do. Firmly. It may be unobtrusive but it arises from an inherent strength. A solid tree trunk, wood all the way through, no pun intended. It just is.And where women like Jen get misled is that most yang behavior is not obviously aggressive. Yet the ability to manifest it is in just about every man, regardless of how innocuously he may present himself. This is true maleness.
It is my opinion that any woman who wants to be in a relationship with a man wants an aggressive man. BUT: Aggression with compassion, AND aggression with discernment. This means, very simply, that each couple has to learn each other’s needs. Aggression to one woman means her guy always drives. To another, it means he makes certain decisions. Yet another woman might like a very protective, involved male, while her best friend would find that suffocating, but take comfort in her husband’s physical strength and size. All are permutations of aggression, if you define aggression as a proactive, extroverted way of taking the lead and meeting the world. They are also yang behaviors.
To round it off, let’s not punish men for not always showing what they inherently are, and let’s accept the fact that each of us has strengths and capabilities that come with being male, or female. And celebrate the lovely diversity of nature that has allowed us to come together in a beautiful, complicated and unique dance.
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